James Potter and the Charming of the Dursleys
by K.R. Saks
Summary: ONE-SHOT. Today was the day. Today was the day that he, James Potter, would right all wrongs and triumph over evil. New year, new start. Clean slate. Charm the darling sister and her pudgy self-important fiance, Lily had said. Oh please, how hard could it possibly be?


**Disclaimer:** All familiar characters and the basis of the plot belong to the beloved JKR!

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**James Potter and the Charming of the Dursleys**

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Today was the day.

Today was the day that he, James Potter, would right all wrongs and triumph over evil. New year, new start. Clean slate. He had charmed many a lady in his years… this would be no different.

He had this down pat.

"And pray tell, what sort of car do you drive?"

All right… so maybe it was a bit harder when it came to charming Lily's alarmingly plump brother-in-law-to-be and her hard-arsed stick of a sister. It didn't help that Vernon Dursley was hilarious in his own right… in the most unconventional and unattractive way ever.

The man had a certain practiced air about him when he spoke, and he enunciated his words in such a way that James had to contain himself every time he talked. What really took the cake though, was the sad excuse of a mustache he was attempting (and failing) to grow. The peculiar mustache would quiver every time he spoke, making it appear as if it was desperately trying to run away from him.

James worked hard to suppress a snicker and felt Lily give him a rather indiscreet nudge.

"Vernon just asked you a question," she hissed. And then she smiled at the couple. "Sorry, James is a little out of it today. He had a pretty long night."

He was immediately reminded of his promise to Lily not twenty minutes ago that he would be on his best behavior tonight. Alas, he took in a deep breath and did the best he could to ignore that quivering mustache.

"Yes, terribly sorry, really long night." His teeth flashed in a smile. "You were saying?"

Vernon's grin was so broad that it artfully accentuated his double chin. "I was just inquiring as to what sort of vehicle you drive," he drawled. "Please don't feel too pressured to respond. Seeing as you're fresh out of school, I would completely understand if you did not have the means to-"

"Oh, well I don't quite have a… car," James said, glancing quickly at Lily to make sure he wasn't saying anything out of line quite yet. "But I do have a broom, and I have to tell you, mate, it's the fastest broom yet. Sleek handle, trimmed bristles… ah yes she is a beauty. Cost quite a handful of Galleons too."

He winked.

Vernon and Petunia were gobsmacked.

"I beg your pardon," Petunia cried, outraged. "A _broomstick_? That is absurd."

"The finest one yet, most assuredly," James said, his pride getting in the way a little. "And in my opinion, a hell of a lot more convenient than your… car, was it?"

He let out a yelp when he felt the heel of Lily's boot smash into his foot, and he quickly covered the girlish scream with a loud cough that he was sure fooled no one. He shot her a glare, but by then, she had already helped herself to a spoonful of mashed potatoes and was quite diligently avoiding his gaze.

The freakin' witch.

Vernon seemed to have recovered from his bout of shock at this point and was sipping his wine suspiciously. His eyes darted from James to Lily, and then he shared a look with Petunia.

James chewed on his prime rib.

"Well, I have to admit I'm terribly sorry for bringing this topic up." Vernon finally said after putting down his wine glass, and adopted an air of sincere regret. "I should've realized that given your recent graduation from school and evident state of unemployment, you must not have the money to purchase a car."

Lily let out a small cough. "Well actually…"

"There is no need to feel bad about yourself, James," he said, completely ignoring her. "Living off unemployment funds isn't anything to be _too _ashamed of. I'm sure you'll be back on your feet in no time."

James had just taken a gulp of his wine as Vernon was speaking, but nearly spat it back out when he heard that last comment. Unemployment funds? _Him_? Oh for Merlin's beard… he'd show that mustache-quivering buffoon exactly what he thought.

Before he was able to get a word in edgewise, however, he was suddenly aware of how still Lily had become. She had been meticulously digging into her food the entire night, but now she was staring at Vernon with a little spark in her green eyes… a spark that suggested she was _not _happy.

"Sorry Vernon, I don't think you're quite understanding what James is saying. In the wizarding world…"

"We do not _care _about this wizarding world," Petunia cut in, rather snobbishly. Her head was tilted in such a way that her nose was pointing into the air, giving James ample opportunity to peer into her nostrils. It was not a pretty sight. "Magic is _not _real and should never be mentioned in front of us again."

James couldn't help himself. "Now don't you think you're being a little too bigoted?"

"No."

Well then.

He forked some vegetables into his mouth to prevent himself from giving another comeback. Lily had explicitly requested that he be charming. His one goal was to make them like him. He had initially boasted that it would not be a problem. Who _didn't _like James Potter?

He should've realized when he needed to put foot in mouth.

There was a moment of silence as everyone tried to digest the situation… and then Petunia spoke up again, seemingly in an attempt to rectify her previously hostile attitude.

"So I'm just curious, James. If you aren't very well off, how do you plan on treating my sister well?" She sniffed then, unable to hide her disdain. "I do hope you aren't planning on renting a ramshackle cupboard and stashing her in there."

Lily's eyes widened, and James wondered whether it was from shock or anger. Petunia had managed to convey concern for her sister, and in the same breath, had thoroughly insulted his character and his financial status. It was talent, he had to admit, and if she had been anyone else, he may have even respected her.

Still, it didn't help that she had attacked him personally, and when it looked like Lily was about to rise up to the occasion to defend his honor like an angry lioness, he gently pressed a hand to her shoulder to keep her calm.

He would handle this one.

He smiled at Petunia as if she were his best friend, although a part of him still wondered just how she and Lily could possibly be related. Lily was gorgeous in every way possible and Petunia… Petunia was just not.

"If only you knew me better, Petunia," he said obligingly. "I would never subject Lily to anything short of amazing."

"Well, you are unemployed."

"If you want to look at it that way." Going into details about the Order of the Phoenix was too much trouble, not to mention against the oath he had sworn. "Auror training starts in just a few short months though, so I won't be unemployed much longer."

Vernon's eyes narrowed when he heard the foreign word and exchanged an alarmed glance with Petunia, which did not go unnoticed by Lily.

"Think of Aurors as policemen," she explained quickly. "Purveyors of the law."

James let out a highly unattractive snort when he heard her phrase of choice. It was ironic that all throughout Hogwarts, he had been known as a "Purveyor of Aids to Magical Mischief Makers," and now here he was, defending the law. He had to admit, life certainly had an interesting way of playing out.

"You are to be… a policeman?" Vernon asked uncertainly.

James glanced at Lily, who nodded. "I guess so? But in the meantime, we have the Galleons my parents left for me in my Gringotts account. If I were to ever fail at Aurorhood, the money should at least tide us over till we're old and dead. There may even be enough for our children to live off of."

He shot Lily a wink, which she pointedly ignored, although he thought he saw a rather pretty flush on her cheeks.

His words seemed to have stumped Vernon and Petunia again, and he wondered, not for the first time, if they were really as daft as people came. He understood through Lily that they didn't know much about the wizarding world, but _come on_. It wasn't that hard to get up to speed. He hadn't had much exposure to the Muggle world and he thought he was doing a pretty fantastic job of taking everything in stride.

"Galleons, you said?" Vernon managed to ask. "As in… ships?"

James had to roll his eyes at that point. Honestly. "As in gold coins," he said, as patiently as he could. "It's our form of currency, just like you use the pound."

Petunia's eyes grew wide. "Gold coins? Enough gold to tide your children over?"

"That's what I said."

"You have got to be joking," she retorted. "No one has that kind of money. Do you think we're fools?"

"Maybe," he muttered, which earned him another foot stomp from Lily. He cleared his throat. "I don't understand your confusion. I would never lie about my fortune."

"James is kidding," Lily said, when it looked like Petunia was about to spit blood. "It's not really as amazing as he makes it sound. From what I hear, it seems like Vernon is also doing a pretty good job of selling drills at his company."

At that, Vernon puffed out his chest, recognizing a compliment when he heard one. "Why yes," he said. His mustache gave a little twitch when he blew air out of his nose. "I have been told that I am the most efficient junior executive in the company."

And that was what finally killed it for James. He burst out laughing, nearly knocking over his wine glass as he guffawed. He knew he should've stopped. Merlin knew Lily was going to kill him after this, but he just couldn't help it. This man, this short plump shortsighted man with a mustache that had its own mind, was boasting of an accomplishment that held no significance whatsoever to James.

And Merlin that _mustache_…

Vernon's face grew steadily darker as James' laughter rang on. He finally let out an enraged roar and slammed his fist on the table, successfully knocking over his redwine and spilling the contents all over Petunia's unfortunately white dress.

She let out a shriek and jumped up, knocking over her chair and clipping a waiter who was passing by, toppling the poor man to the floor along with all the food he had been carrying.

By the time James could get his laughter under control, every patron in the restaurant was staring at his table, and both Vernon and Petunia were so purple in the face that it looked like they were going to pass out any minute from the sheer embarrassment and anger.

Lily had jumped up and was at Petunia's side in a second, her green eyes wide and horrified as she took in the scene. "My God, Petunia, are you all right?"

Petunia slapped her hovering hand away. "Get away from me, you _freak_." She snapped her glare to James. "Stay away from us. I never want to see your faces ever again."

It was the last statement that got through to James, and he finally recognized the severity of the situation. Lily had wanted to have this dinner as a form of reconciliation with her sister, but it had turned into a disaster. And it was his fault.

He sighed and stood up, reaching out a hand towards the shaking Vernon. "Look, mate, I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention. I wasn't-"

"Enough!" Vernon roared. He pointed a quivering finger at James, his face still blotchy in his anger. James was worried for a moment that he might pop a vein. "You stay far, _far _away from me, you hear? _Far away_."

And with that last statement, he yanked his coat off the back of his chair and stormed away, practically bowling through the alarmed crowd. Petunia let out a little huff of indignation and quickly followed, adjusting her jacket to cover the bright red stain on her dress.

There was a stony silence.

The restaurant manager had come out at this point to see what the commotion was all about, and James made efficient work of apologizing for the disruption and shoving quite a few pounds into the manager's hands to ensure they wouldn't get in trouble with the law.

With the enraged manager slightly placated, James turned to look at Lily. She was still in the same position as when she had reached out to Petunia, and from the looks of it, she was in a deep state of shock.

James approached her hesitantly and gently placed a hand on her shoulder, spinning her around to face him. He felt a small pang in his heart when he saw her expression. She looked absolutely forlorn, as if her life had shattered before her eyes. And then her bottom lip gave a small quiver… and he knew he was done for.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and grabbed their coats with his other hand before swiftly guiding her out of the restaurant.

The first tear fell when they had just reached the door, and he was able to get them out onto the street before she began crying in earnest. The tears fell down her cheeks in rivers and James felt his heart break. He could never stand to see a woman cry, especially not Lily.

"Come on," he whispered, walking her down the street as he talked. Thanks to Lily, he knew of a small cafe just at the corner where she had taken him previously. It wasn't the most popular cafe in town, so he knew they'd get some peace and quiet.

There were only two patrons sitting in the cafe when they entered, and James quickly hustled Lily over to a corner table where they were partially blocked from view by the wall. He conjured up a handkerchief and handed it to her.

"Lily, please stop crying," he implored. He reached out and wiped a few tears she had missed when she had hastily wiped her face. "I'm so sorry, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so brash with them. I should've reigned in my temper."

She let out a particularly loud sob, but then shook her head. "It wasn't your fault," she sniffled. "God… he's just so _terrible_. What does she see in him? Why couldn't they have given us a chance?"

James thought "terrible" was a very light way of putting it, but he didn't voice his thoughts. Instead, he scooted his chair right up to hers and pulled her into a warm embrace, tucking her securely in his arms.

"Maybe they just need time to get used to this," he suggested, although he hardly believed it himself. "Maybe if we showed them more of what we can do, of how powerful the wizarding world can be, then perhaps they'll…"

"Don't you think I've tried that, James?" Lily said. She pulled away and looked at him. "I've tried showing Petunia… conjuring pretty flowers for her and organizing her room since she loves to be neat… but she's _afraid_. They both are. They're afraid of something so magical and so innate in me that they hate me too."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I know you really don't want to hear this, but there's nothing you really could've done in that situation. You've tried. Merlin knows you've tried, and if that isn't enough… Bloody hell, I don't think anything could ever be enough for your sister and her oaf of a husband."

Lily was astonished. "James!"

"Sorry, I meant fiancé."

"James!"

"Okay, okay, not oaf. Maybe more like baboon."

She slapped his arm, but even so, she couldn't hide the small chuckle that had escaped her just then.

James' heart warmed. Finally she was smiling again, and that meant he could finally be happy too.

"You're a git," she muttered, but her voice was tinged with fondness. "You didn't help the situation at all, you know."

"Hey, I tried," he said defensively. "Did you _see _the way I took the high road? Every single bloody time! There were so many opportunities for me to take down your sister's blasted fiancé, starting with his mustache."

Lily looked a bit curious now. "What about his mustache?"

"Didn't you see the way it quivered every time he talked?"

"Um… no."

James deflated. "Was it really just me? I swear though, any man who looks like that has no business trying to grow a mustache. Trying being the operative word here."

"James," Lily admonished.

"Really though!"

She blew out a loud sigh and threw her hands into the air. By then, her tears had dried and her green eyes were brilliant once again, unmarred by the watery sheen. Her cheeks were still slightly flushed from her previous bout of tears, and James thought she had never looked more beautiful.

"I give up," she said. "I give up on all this. You're hopeless, they're hopeless, we're _all _hopeless!"

He laughed at her distraught expression and gave her a rough yank so that she fell on his lap. She gasped and glared when she realized how compromising they looked, but he clasped his arms around her, refusing to let her budge.

"Oh come now, it's not all bad," he said and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "It's January, the beginning to a bright new year, and we've got our lives ahead of us… namely the Order. But still, definitely nothing to be dismayed about. I'm kind of looking forward to it, in fact."

Lily blinked. "Why?"

"Because we're going to be roommates!"

"James, my parents haven't even agreed yet. They're still thinking." She made quotations in the air at the last word.

He scoffed loudly. "Your parents love me. They're not going to say no."

"But my sister…"

"Screw your sister."

Lily's eyes widened. "James!"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh bloody hell, you know I didn't mean it like that. Besides, who would want to shag that twig of a-"

"James Potter! That's my sister you're talking about!"

"Not a very good one in my opinion."

"She's still my sister…"

Merlin, the woman could be so frustrating sometimes. "Oh shut up, Evans. Just kiss me."

Now she was bewildered. "What? I don't-"

But Lily's protestations fell to deaf ears as James planted his lips on hers, successfully cutting off anything else she may have wanted to say. And when he felt her body melt into his, he knew they would not let this one setback deter them from their future happiness. Any happiness and love that Lily had hoped to derive from her sister, he would give her tenfold.

Because there was no other woman who could complete him, and that was that.

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**Author's Note: **The holidays and the new year are upon us, so I figured a nice brief one-shot would serve to lighten up the mood. :) Hope you've all had a fantastic winter season and here's to an absolutely amazing 2014!

_xox **KRS**_


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